To say that I've received devastating news over the past couple of days would be my exaggerating, so let's just say I've been disappointed and received a reality check out of it. My world didn't fall apart, I didn't want to bury myself under the covers and cry until I didn't have any tears left and I didn't want to devour all the chocolate I can lay my hands on.
But my heart did do quite the perilous plunge; down through the tiers of air and atmosphere, towards the unforgiving ground.
Like clockwork, I stash the whispers of incessant whimsy at the back of my head, at the inner-most corner of my frail, frail corazon. Comb through wisps of poetic memory. Take back memories of candlelight, conversation, cafes, cigarettes, and card games. Stand with skinned knees, and flick the dirt free with my fingertips.
I need to feel complete again. I need to live and not merely exist; in a way that makes all the air whistle away from my lungs, and my heart inflate from the ecstasy of the risk, of the days finally fitting into my dreams, of being alive. And I can tell you all the times I've had my heart swell up to infinite proportions of delirium are times when I'm in a foreign land, scribbling away in my travel journal, and occasionally looking up to soak in the world around me. I want to bottle up that feeling.
Sometimes I think I am ravenous for change, but for everything that I've been brave enough to do, sometimes I don't think I'm deserving of the change I want to make. Other times; other times I think all I need is something to believe in.
And just because, here's something to listen to:Vanessa Fernandez - Half of My Heart